Senile Hyperballroominemia is a progressively fatal disorder
occurring commonly in the sixth decade of life, characterized by intermittent
brain farts during ballroom dance competition routines. Brain farts occur when obstacles such as
competing dancers are unexpectedly encountered and a collision is imminent,
when the routine has to fit into a smaller than practiced dance floor space and
the involved CNS axonal circuitry is overwhelmed by the call for for an
instantaneous correction with redeployment of movement and direction, or for no
other reason than the electrical circuitry shuts off like it does ever so
frequently at home (including this morning in Manoa – March 11th).
I will not discuss the long-term treatment, prognosis or
life expectancy of this serious disorder.
Please refer to an article published in the Journal
of Extended Adolescent Senility in 2011 By Drs. Dementia and Blank and for a
comprehensive review of the latest therapy, etc. Of course, since this is a fatal disorder,
most of therapy is directed at
palliation.
Rather than definitive treatment, ballroom teachers have
developed critical skills that can correct, to a limited extent, these
unexpected CNS power outages (AKA as brain farts), as well as the missteps and
unexpected hiccups that occur during pro-am ballroom dance competitions. A
number of methods utilizing various algorithms have been attempted in the past;
most have been partially, but none have been totally successful remedies.
It wasn’t until last week, when dancing my routines at the
Heritage Classic with my dance teacher, Yanna Samkova, that I experienced a few
of these uninvited embarrassing moments.
Nevertheless, I was able to register and follow the progression of the
maneuvers that were utilized by Yanna to mitigate the damage to my dance performance. Not that I remember everything but anything I can't remember I will make up. I do remember enough
to provide some insight into what was done.
Sadly, I do NOT remember the dance….foxtrot, tango,
waltz.... only that I was headed toward the corner of the dance floor in a
crowded heat - with the dance floor split in half to accommodate two groups of
competitors being judged separately.
Suddenly, while avoiding other competitors, my puzzled brain failed as I
closed in on the corner of the floor not computing how to adjust my routine to
navigate the 90 degree turn safely to the short side of the dance floor. This resulted in a total, albeit temporary,
meltdown…..I truly lost tract of my routine sequence and was left paralyzed.
My dance teacher instantly recognized this moment in my body
language and frame; indeed, it was not subtle.
To be sure, if she had been dancing with an air inflated man doll that
suddenly punctured and deflated, it would describe the sensation aptly. Like the electric generator that kicks in
when power outages occur, she took over our collective movements instantly and
precisely. Now, the truth is that
professional dancers need to be prepared for moments like these…she cannot be
slumming it on the dance floor and expect to be prepared to take over at a
moments notice. Its like being on
perimeter watch on a military battlefield….you can never drop your guard for
even a moment or else it will cost you your life.
So as my brain failed, hers instantly engaged without notice
or momentary delay, the transition was seamless, and not even the most astute
observer could detect this from either of us.
Like a GPS, she had to survey the path, determine in what direction we
were headed, recalculate a new path and transmit this information somehow to
the paralyzed carcass she was carrying in her arms. But unlike a GPS, she couldn’t announce -
turn right, turn right, or recalculating, or in 0.2 miles, turn left or
anything of the sort. Her job was much
more difficult not only for having to transmit the recalculated path but
somehow to do so without any vocal cues.
In this recalculation, she needed to factor in the movement of other
dance couple in close proximity, their paths of movement, the velocity of their
movement, and whether the couple was being led by an experienced dance
instructor who would be expected to avoid collision through skilled navigation
skills or another klutzy amateur whose movement could not be predicted or
trusted.
Ok, that was the easy part.
All of the above visual global positioning data analysis sets the stage
for the most difficult of tasks. The
information gets factored into solving this immediate dance riddle: what
movements are needed to get us back on tract.
Specifically, my dance teacher has to figure on the next series of steps
and how to get me back into the routine.
In short, she has to somehow jolt the electrical power lever in my brain
back on. It may not be the next steps in
the sequence of the dance routine; a complex process of analysis at gigahertz
speed determines the safest path out of this conundrum. All of this of course requires an active
feedback loop of information to constantly assess and reassess the
situation. At any moment, the failing
computer in my brain could dangerously turn back on, having lost all of data
from before the shutdown, with unpredictable results. Its like being waked up suddenly from a deep
sleep…where am I? My dance instructor
has to be prepared for me cooperating as well as fighting her intended
direction when finally the brain suddenly reanimates and blinks out its life
sustaining messages.
As the data continues to roll in and be processed, a
decision point was made for action.
Kinetic energy was needed to nudge, and thrust and push and trap and
twist me just enough - based on the resistance forces expressed in my body
movement and a myriad of other factors.
This combination of forces is likened to the balanced forced movements
in sumo wrestling. My dance teacher is certainly
stronger than me and can make me move involuntarily at her will. So whatever combination of forced movements
that were instantly imposed on me into a new position, they somehow shifted me
on the correct foot and body position to continue the next logical step in the
dance routine. Instantly my brain was
back on and somehow this time it was working synchronously to successfully
disguise the brain farted partner lapse, as she masterminded this illusion in
performance to perfection….all occurring in a matter of 3 seconds.
Stay off the cocaine, my son announced in response to a
previous outrageous blog called “Hot and Cool”. What will he say about this writing?
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