Father's Day - 2011

This is something written less than six months ago that I want to share on this Father's Day. My daughter Leila is now 38y/o and son David is 36.

Christmas 2010 with MY family!

To David and Leila

January 1, 2011

I was rummaging through my files a few days ago and came across two compositions that were written by both of you…..one by DJ when you were in senior high school…..maybe 15 y/o? called Rush Rush Rush, and one by Leila written in 1985 – 25 years ago when you were 12 y/o called My Dad.

It’s clear that we are a family of writers, and it gave me great pleasure to read these once again to remember the times of the past, for better or worse.  I have to admit that it is still painful for me to think about Scherer’s loss in these memories, as I passed the opportunity to read Leila’s eulogy at Scherer’s funeral.  It’s been 15 years since she has died and I know my life is filled with things and people and hobbies and work, but there is still a hollow inside that can never be filled and is still raw and vulnerable.

From DJ’s work: “My father rushes through his entire life.  He jumps from place to place, issue to issue, bogged down by cellular phones, digital pagers and micro dictation recorders………It’s 3 AM.  My sister is perhaps winding up a night of “Twin Peaks” or still out at a jazz club with her college friends.  My mother is sleeping restlessly while the cat borrows in the sheets around her.  I am dreaming about a gorgeous freshman girl.  Everyone is performing normal activities, except for my dad who wakes up and drinks his first cup of coffee.  I remember driving in to work with him at 5:00 in the morning, back when I was more tolerant.”

From Leila’s work: “My dad and I don’t get along.  We are both too alike to be good friends.  We are both very stubborn.  We both like to be leaders and neither of us knows how to admit that he’s wrong or how to say “I’m sorry”.”

We were all different then as we continue to emerge as humans, more mature or less mature, shaped by the past and shaped by the present, always trying to make sense for the future.  You Leila - have become a super mama administrator cavorting around endlessly herding your army of little girl babies produced by you and your obedient and jovial and over the top sarcastic accomplice…...and like Mrs Tittlemouse, your work is never done.   You DJ have been stung by love and its aftermath, all of your formulas and logical paradigms of order have not settled the loss you have endured over this last year, but you have emerged somehow, as the pain subsided, as a born again human.  And I have regressed into adolescence, spending my allowance without thought about tomorrow, pretending to be younger than my age, being selfish with my time, and obsessing endlessly about whatever I’m obsessing about at the moment (dancing and Dexter (DJ, I blame you for Dexter!)).  And I apologize as I see all of my bad traits passed on to both of you like a fatal genetic disease; thank God some good traits from your mother have passed to you as well.

But, and here is what I really want to say:  this Christmas was very special to me because it has been a few years since we have been all together as a family during this holiday.  More importantly we all got along and we were happy to be with each other, not grudgingly like in the past.  So many families I observe do things for each other because they are expected to do so, not out of love, but out of obligation.  Its been a hard long trip trying to be a single parent, Scherer was so much better at gluing us together in some sensible order but without her, I have been left helpless to try to do my best but not having a clue.

The best remedy I found to keep you both as my friends was shedding the tendency to pre-judge both of you and dart you with unwelcomed advice (please keep this in mind as I drift into those golden years where the temptation may be to pay me back for my early sins).  But somehow life has matured you both to the level that you find yourselves….both confident adults not without fault or vulnerability, who genuinely are able to appreciate and respect each other and me out of freedom rather than expectation… and to return the love that I feel for both of you as my children and friends and to do this with each other as well.

It was a short but truly a grand Christmas vacation…..a glorious day of skiing and I was even able to keep up with the snot nose ski cowboys.  A day for the children and adults opening presents and making one mess after another in the kitchen, endlessly cleaning floors and tables and dishes in anticipation for the next meal and the next tornado of smearing and shooting food from the three little dears.   And finally the third day with sledding outside the house…wow, what fun for both child and adult.  And we all did get along, and it was fun and felt like  family. 

I thank you all for making this - the best Christmas vacation that I can remember since Scherer died 15 years ago.  Can we do this again next year?  I hope so and as importantly I think you also hope so as well….

Dad