I Miss my iPhone that Just Killed Me.

"Maybe smart phones are smart, but its not because they are there to serve you, but rather because their overarching goal is to take over human consciousness and cause the demise of the human race." 

First, I lost my friends and family - after turning my attention away from them repeatedly, switching instead to the glowing screen and the comforting warm smooth and solid exterior case of the iPhone.  My iphone constantly commanded me to position It, there, on the table, or to remain glued to my hand - within a few inches of my finger tips, to lure me into one of a dozen conversations and interactions, disrespecting the real time personal and in-the-present encounters with my friends and family, and fragmenting my already feeble deteriorating mind trying unconvincingly and unsuccessfully to multitask.

Next, I lost any and all credibility in the community and then my job!.  The iPhone would beckon me to stand head down, glaring and focused on the alluring flickering screen in my hand, while walking, in elevators, at airports, sitting on the head, on the treadmill, or just to glare at my new best most reliable friend in the world.  Of course, all of this activity directly impacted my performance by stealing my concentration away from work.  This did not go unnoticed as the security cameras fed my disregard and audacious behavior to management leading to the ultimate demise of my job, income, career and future.  How would I pay for my iPhone service?  How would I pay for the next generation iPhone, iCrown, iTent, iCondom, iFrame, iGas, iTooth?  How would I protect my newest and bestest friend?

Things only got worse………………..

My iPhone not only invaded my life during the day but also at night. It woke me up at least twice each night.  Fortunately, my hypertrophied prostate, which beckoned me a few times a night to decompress my crowded bladder – did so at about the same time my iPhone demanded my attention.  Minutes to hours of web surfing, email, news, the latest free apps, the temperature in Bagdad, reviewing my credit card and bank accounts, sports scores, the cost of gold on the market, the latest mass murder rampage, and the latest vital and vial messages from my social networking friends all took command of my time.  Yes, I needed to know these things!  Never a good or full night sleep, my mind was wound in too many convoluted knots as the iPhone alarm app failed miserably to do its job some hours later.  

In a perpetual bleary-eyed state of grogginess, how could you blame me for running over that texting pedestrian? Clearly he was to blame; I wasn’t anywhere near my iPhone at the time, having just completed a Bluetooth connected phone conversation - letting the office know that I would be a bit late to work.  But this was not only a horrible memory for me; it was a message foretelling my future – which was that I had NO future. And it was only a few months later that I was paid back in kind as I was crossing the same street cradling my iPhone in hand reading the latest URGENT email – warning me of the obvious consequences of not paying my electric bill – that a car breezed by, with someone too engrossed in his own bestest of friends, to notice that he plowed through a 180 pound elephant on the crosswalk. 

But I was lost to the world much earlier than my final moments on the street.  Without a job, without a car, without a future, I HAD only my iPhone.  I had NOTHING else.  I starting calling IT iDavid and ME iMan because “virtually” everything about me became my iPhone, I mean iDavid. It was my brain, it was my kidney, it was my liver, it was my heart.  It measured my heart rate and told me how far I had travelled each day.  It talked to me and I talked to it.  It made me cry and it made me laugh.  I played with it and it played with me. It told me when to sleep and wake up, what to read, where to go and how to get there.  It played music for me, told me what to pack, what news to read or watch, “virtually” everything that I decided for myself was delegated to my iDavid. To shelter it, I downloaded a new cardiac simulator app which allowed me to dig a hole deep into my chest to rest my iDavid, securing it from loss and/or intruders.  This space was made available after removing my heart, which was no longer of any use. The cardiac app did a fine job of controlling my heart rate and cardiac output. 

I would wake up in the morning full of energy. Take my iDavid off of the iThrone and insert it into my chest fully charged.  I would move swiftly all day until the power setting sent a push notification that it was under 20% at which point I started fading into a listless shadow of my morning self.  I would have to immediately stop what I was doing to feed my iDavid back to 100% health. My iDavid had become my world and I ceased to exist apart from it.

I mourn not for myself but for my iDavid.  What has now become of my iDavid???  I am sad that I abandoned it so early in its life with so much to look forward to and a bright future. Inevitably, my best guess is that my iDavid, depleted of its power, has been cataloged and filed away by the coroners or police…. Or…… maybe someone has already taken it as their own, deleting everything that used to be ME including these last words that I wrote as I was fading from life………..leaving only telltale droplets of my life somewhere in cyberspace forever worrying about its whereabouts.  I am haunted by the remaining hope that my iDavid is still in good hands……...