When You Die

I wrote the note below to a friend and colleague who needed to cancel an outing we were to have because of her intense work schedule.  Much younger than myself, I feel she is experiencing what I experienced in my life and career, the unbelievable pressure and unrelenting time commitment that one makes in the world of neonatal medicine.  I'm sure, at this moment, she may only partially appreciate what she is doing for others and herself.  I wanted to make sure she understood it from the broader and more meaningful perspective of her life.

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When you die, you will surely go to heaven.   Sorry for all of the interruptions to your life, I think you are building up goodness currency for when you get older and retire and people around you are volunteering to do good things for others – attempting to cleanse themselves of the sins they committed when they were younger, the people they screwed in their business, and others they let down in their lives.  Or simply because what they did in their lives was simply done to live, devoid of character or creativity or importance or human emotion.  And you need to remember these times when you get older - you must sit back and relish what you did when you were younger, that you gave more and did more goodness than most people can ever imagine, not just from expectation but for love of and appreciation for the importance of your work in the care of other humans.   And you have nothing to be sorry for when you become self absorbed in later life and spend the next few chapters of your life serving yourself what you want on your terms, which is my present wish.   You deserve a lovely dinner for the work you do as a testimony of your dedication and commitment, and to give you a momentary break from your present confinement. 

Now truly, I’m not being sarcastic or gratuitous in my remarks…as they truly remind me of my past life and career, and globally in the sacrifice that WE….(Neonatologists, this doesn’t include all but most) have to make to do a good job and care for other humans in order to save precious lives.  This is particularly relevant in these times when the masses do as little as they need to – to get by.  I lived my career like you have described to me, but for better or worse, when I was off, I had my wife and two kids to retreat to.  Good because that was my sanctuary; bad, because I had little energy to give them and a wife who sometimes (she mostly got it but not always) didn’t want to understand how much physical and mental torture was delivered in my work, but expected me to be the ever present 50% partner, clear the dishes, take out the garbage, play with the kids, and not expect her to wait on me as my father had grown to expect of my mother.   She certainly wasn’t enamored with me falling asleep every night in front of the TV at 9pm after the little ones were put to bed, the dishes done, the garbage out, the table wiped and the doors locked.   But she understood enough to endure this - hoping for better times.  In the end, the end came quicker than anyone expected and wanted, and she only got a small taste of a reasonably normal life before the breast cancer than invaded her body won the war and took her life.  

You are both fortunate or unfortunate to not be me; rather, you have only yourself to reconcile with.   And if you become like me, you will need to continue to remind yourself of who you are now and were then, and be happy and fulfilled that you gave so much of yourself willingly and that those that you cared for will never forget and hopefully you will not either.