Crystal Cruises Review, 2013.

I am not a cruise critic: I was not planning on writing about my cruise ship. When you pay big bucks, you expect to get quality.  But as we all know, this is never a given.   This is my 3^rd Crystal Cruise, and although my favorite was my first – as it was themed as a big band dance cruise - I think this third one is the best cruise in terms of cruise comforts.  But before I go there, especially for those who are cruise virgins, a few tidbits of info about low and mid range cruises.

Low End Cruises: The basic cost of many of the cruises, especially the low end ones, are significantly discounted due to the economy, the number of cruise ships competing for passengers but most importantly, the insidious methods of generating revenues for low to mid level cruise lines.  True, you can survive on a low level or mid level (1-4 Star) cruise without significant up front cost, but by the end of the cruise, at the very least, you are obliged to fork out some tips to just about everyone that you come into contact with during your cruise (in contrast, tips are included in the cost of most high-end cruises). And the cruise line makes sure it provides you with “suggested guidelines” for tipping!  And then there is the cost of booze, and then there is the cost of land excursions. Gambling, clothes and jewelry, artwork, and gifts from the various ports of call are some of the other costs that creep up to unexpected and unwelcomed levels. In the end, it is just about as economical to just do it the fine upscale way, avoiding all of the trouble of signing for every glass of wine or beer that you order and resigning yourself to the financial burden up front, rather than when it is all said and done and it too late to save off the bleeding from your wallet.

There are other problems with low and midlevel cruises.  But just to qualify this critique.  I’m no expert…I have done probably 10 cruises altogether in my life – some folks have done hundreds and some have done over a thousand.  The first cruise I ever took – not Crystal - was a low end cruise and the most eye opening.  They herd you like cattle into this big warehouse and divide you in groups.  From there the processing time is in hours, you finally find your way marching up the plank to the ship….everyone is so exhausted, it feels like you’re being led to your death like at a concentration camp.  This first cruise was on Royal Caribbean – to Alaska. I think it was a 3 star cruise with about 2500 guests or more.  At every corner and at every activity, there was another line waiting for you to wait at!  And besides the short sightseeing land excursions, ostensibly the reason for the cruise - to see parts of the world from the comfort of your cruise ship, guests mostly spent their time eating, or rather shoveling food into their mouths with increasing speed and energy.  The runoff of food showers the floor, not unlike what you would expect to see when a wild animal devours his prey, adding yet another layer of predigested mush to the already stained carpet while creating an infectious and chaotic atmosphere of self-absorbed gluttony. 

It seemed like everyone was riding motorized carts, young and old, mostly the fat or obese.  Two fat men passed each other moving sideways in a small elevator, fornicating with their large abdominal protuberances as they giggled at each other on contact.  They could have been identical twins and truly enjoyed the encounter.

Another High End Cruise Line.  After being disappointed by a recent cruise on Silversea (in contrast to a first Silversea Cruise several years back), which I believe has lost its edge, I was acutely aware of the tendency for cruise directors and staff at all levels to be “going through the motion” during any particular cruise. Week after week, year after year, the same thing over and over and over again.  The same guests, the same food, the same shows, the same ports of call. The band plays the same songs, without emotion - their faces are expressionless, devoid of pleasure, they are dead to the world, strumming on their instruments while their minds are off in space, oblivious to their surroundings and the flat music they are creating.  This is particularly disconcerting since cruisers pay big bucks for the high end cruises and expect perfection. 

Back to Crystal.  I feel that Crystal provides what is close to perfection in high end cruising.  Never a moment goes by that someone doesn’t ask to help you, serve you, carry your lunch tray, bring you a drink, entertain you, dance with you. Everyone was sharp and appeared sincerely interested in your well-being. Very few appear stale, insincere, or artificial. Kudos to the cruise director, Scott Peterson. 

Checking in and checking out.  Getting to the cruise terminal took cost about $25 from our hotel in Reykjavik for a 10 minute cab ride – Iceland was expensive but that was only a prelude to the rip-off’s in Norway. Once there, we simply walked through one checkpoint, and then immediately onto the ship.  This was about two hours earlier than the scheduled boarding time. No lines were awaiting us and it took about 2 minutes to check in, get photographed, have your room card spit out of its machine and into your hands and have your passports collected by the staff. Lunch was available everywhere and our room was ready way before the scheduled time. So painless and enjoyable, it was easier than checking into an upscale hotel. Parenthetically, checking out was just as easy as checking in – in contrast to the lengthy process of waiting in one of the reception areas for your “number” or “color” to be called to exit and find your luggage among a thousand others – as with the low-mid level cruise lines.

Cruise ship amenities.  From there it was uphill.  There are so many things to do on a Crystal Cruise to capture almost every interest - with all of the creature comforts of a five star hotel.  Bingo, bridge, gambling, reading, dancing, Windows 8 training and other computer classes, sauna, stretch class, work out areas, a walk around the ship, the latest movies shown on a big screen or in your room.  I preferred watching them in the movie theatre munching on popcorn. The list goes on and on: Broadway level shows at night shown twice, dance class, lectures, shopping, fitness training, swimming, and you name it, you got it.  Have a drinking problem, meet with the friends of Bill W.  Travelling solo, meet with the gentlemen hosts and other solo travelers. But by far the most popular sport on the cruise - hands down – was eating. Eating in the morning, the afternoon and in the evening was just the start! Mid morning snacks at the Bistro, midnight snacks at the Lux, the sky is the limit for how many pounds you can gain in a week on the best cruises.

Da Food.  The food is just too good to pass up; Crystal is a guaranteed cure for anorexia.  I tried my best to resist but in the end I failed.  I hope I only added 3 pounds as I sense a non-decompressing expansion of my abdominal circumference even after a trip to the bathroom, but it is likely more like 5 pounds.  Food was served at every conceivable time in the day including 24-hour room service.  Everything was included in your original quote unless you wanted to order a $300 bottle of special wine. Lobster, steak, veal, lamb, salmon, cod, etc, etc…. the soups were particularly good.  I defaulted to the salads for lunch most days and a boiled egg white in the morning with plenty of fruit.  My favorite item during the day was the salmon burger. Two to three pieces of finely cut salmon dissected from the darker fringe was grilled to perfection, served on a soft tasty roll that was garnished with onion, lettuce, and a thick spread of dill sauce.   In the evening, a few glasses of wine proscribed any attempt at self-control as the food marched through my mouth flowing unrestricted into a bottomless cavern.   There were three restaurants to choose from; the main dining room – elegant and formal, the Silk Road – excellent Japanese and sushi, and the Prego, a decent alternative to the main dining room serving Italian.

Fat and Fatter.  The guests were mostly senior citizens although this cruise had a younger crowd, which was nice.  It made it feel less like a retirement community and more like a normal village.  Most of the disabled were older Americans. Most but not all were at least a little overweight, some were obese.  Actually fewer guests were obese than I remember, but you can easily predict who was overweight by what was lodged on their plates, particularly at the Lido buffet. I played a game with myself, cruising the buffet area and looking first at the plates of food and then the guest. Voila!  My conclusion was that overweight people eat more and what they eat is more fattening than guests that are in normal weight ranges. Brilliant, yeah?  Parenthetically, with such an upscale clientele, I was shocked by how many folks ordered hamburgers and french fries for lunch - every day!  Besides the calorie count, the negative health effects of large doses of red meat and the fried potatoes seemed not to be a deterrent for a good number of guests.  

Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder.  Don’t want to ruin this blog by being too negative about what I didn’t like. Everyone sees things differently.  Folks that have been rich all their lives probably see nothing unusual about the level of service and only react when their slightest needs are not being met.

For me, I would have liked to see the professional dancers on the ship be more available to the guests.  There were very few ladies who liked to dance and fewer who could actually dance at a decent level.  The dance hosts were of varying quality, but they didn’t seem to mingle with the guests the way I was expected to do when I was dance hosting for Silversea and Holland America.  They have it pretty fat if you ask me. One host took pleasure in his dance instruction to the ladies, but his style and approach left much to be desired, leaving some of the guests avoiding his invitation to dance. If I were in charge of the program, I would certainly kick butt and change things entirely.  Since I have no jurisdiction in such matters, I am left with my default tendency to whine and complain.

Now in London, dirty and unkempt –both London and me - within a few hours of boarding a coach class flight to Reykjavik to catch another flight to Seattle before coming home the next day on Delta.  Not looking forward to the cattle car, I will try to bury my head in my book and pretend that I am not on a plane.  Getting to Heathrow and being processed there will be enough stress for the day.  Oh, well, maybe that will burn some calories off my expanded frame and bring me down to reality after the luxurious 11 day Crystal cruise that just ended.