Yesterday

Yesterday was the day of my birth 67 years ago. I woke up with a smile on my face but I would have been just as excited knowing I would wake up period! Despite the full bladder begging me to empty, I lingered in bed for a few more minutes contemplating this day as I have never before.

I am not the man I was at 20 when nothing fazed me and the world was there to serve my needs.  When I fall, my body parts break: when distressed, I cry.  My left leg is shorter than the right; my right eye sees blurry even when corrective lenses are interposed.  I have little high frequency hearing in my right ear. I have a broken tooth that I refuse to remove. I paint my beard to delude myself that I’m young. My right shoulder is glued together with plastic and fiber; my left shoulder feels partially frozen and slightly immobile. My left inguinal hernia is covered in surgical mesh, but my right one still sits unopposed bulging like a balloon. My right knee survived the partial cartilage removal of the 80’s while my left knee continues to remind me that I have two knees that bring me pain and discomfort. And finally, my feet are a mess; bunions, tight tendons, pressure related muscle aches, cuts and bruises…all stemming from my daily dose of dance practice which I seem imprisoned by.

But things could be worse; my blood pressure and cholesterol are between normal and borderline.  I am on only one oral medication – generic Lipitor. I am not overweight and my diet is balanced and USUALLY healthy.  I tone up parts of my body that I can control, even as I observe a gravity driven sagging of other soft tissue compartments that I cannot control. But I can walk and I can stand up straight, I can dance, I can swim and I can ski, I can read and I can sleep, I can taste and I can smell, I can smile and I can frown.

I am not obligated by anything or anyone.  I have paid my bills and paid my dues.  I feel empowered by my situation in life that allows me to dream and tackle frivolous interests and recreate myself as many times over as I wish.  But on this special day, I look not only at the future, which is always uncertain, but think back at the past.  I ask myself: Who was I? What did I accomplish? Was I a good person? Did I make a difference?

Unfortunately, I am not able to accomplish the original goals of this blog to document the last 40 years which is ostensibly the reason that this writing is one day later than planned…..originally titled…Today.  I’m not sure why it is so hard to put into words those experiences and accomplishments that I am so proud of that have framed my life and provided me a lasting sense of fulfillment.  To be sure, I am proud and gratified by the accomplishments that I have made, and do not want to bury this major part of my life in some cerebral storehouse.  I suppose the easiest part is found below summarizing my 35 years in clinical medicine. 

It is from the humans that I have touched that I derived the most gratification from.  Indeed, as a pediatrician and neonatologist, I have been privileged and entrusted with the lives of other humans, especially fresh and innocent newborn infants who are finding their way from the darkness, quiet, and safety of the womb to the harsh realities of world, expected to survive and thrive without an umbilical cord providing the right balance of nutrients and the cushioned barrier of protection from injury, cold, and other living things.