I am within 6 months of turning 80!
Sometimes I wake up wondering how much longer my aging body has to live, while appreciating that real time moment in time is a gift of life not to be taken lightly. Other times I wake up thinking woefully how my life is not so slowly creeping to its last chapter, while calculating how much longer I have on this earth before my death. In the former, I am like any other aging male who is grateful for an additional minute, day, month, year that destiny has bequeathed them. In the later, my position stems from my life’s experience as a physician, having witnessed over a half century of both birth and death much more frequently than most including other physicians. And on the opposite end of life’s spectrum, I am all too familiar with the improbability of humans, especially those of the male gender, living beyond 80, to 90, and even more improbably to 100 y/o – with percentages sinking from 50% to 1%. My father lived to 102, my maternal grandmother to 105, and my oldest sister is living at 97. But my 4-fold increase in Lipoprotein a level all but assures me a quicker path to the grave, at least my academic hat tells me so. Maybe my Repatha injections will save me, but a clean coronary artery scan would have reassured me much more convincingly.
Not everyone ruminates their life and death the way I do, obsessing at every street corner, sometimes to reassure myself that my relatively healthy lifestyle will carry me forward beyond my gloomy projections. Conversely, I reflect that at the very best, I probably have 15% of my life left to live even if I’m lucky. Living to 100 is so unlikely, especially for men, and it’s legend that my toothless skeleton of a father had some magical potions that kept him alive to 102, that would be difficult for me to duplicate even on my best health conscious behavior.
I think most people live their lives not thinking about death, but of life. I’m getting tired of reading essays from aging commentators, journal editors, book authors, doctors, and other pseudo-dignitaries about how best to age and enjoy the remaining moments. For them, I’m sure their reflections have personal value, but reading these essays prompts a certain level of disdain for the intellectual arrogance that these authors display in sharing something they conjure is either of interest to readers or is even generalizable beyond their own life.
It also begs the question of whether ruminating on one’s life, rather than living one’s life is a fitting pathway forward. Does it serve any purpose even if you could calculate how many days, minutes and seconds you have to live? Live your life to the fullest doesn’t include the concept of living longer or longest, unless of course you were unlucky like my wife of 25 years who died at 54, never to have witnessed her children get married or to enjoy her five grandchildren. And I think maybe the choices of spouse for both my son and daughter would have been better thought out if she were alive to guide and mother them at such a critical stage. Anyway, that notion is for another time and another essay or maybe not.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with recounting your life’s experiences including your successes and failures. Youth live mostly in the present, while adults usually craft a life balance strategy that incorporates the past, present and future. But I’m mostly interested in my phase of life; the last few chapters. Do the elderly live in the present; they must. Do they live in the past; they do. Do they live in the future; only if they are exceptionally content! I suppose the most frightening adult senior lives entirely in the past: they have lived their life for better or worse not wanting to focus on today or the day that will turn out to be their last.
I also know a growing number of folks my age who avoid at all costs any deeper reflection of their human condition. It’s as if they know what they are doing that will eventually cost them a year or more of their life but are unwilling to make any changes in these twilight years. One 80 y/o friend admits to occasionally drinking a few too many beers, but he is unwilling to sacrifice the alcohol induced euphoria for the possibility of another day of life without that buzz. On the other extreme, are you really happy if your glucose monitor is reading in a good range as you carefully plot out your daily eating habits, or your iWatch telling you your VO2 max is in above average range for your age, or it telling you that you had a good night sleep even when you know you didn’t? Should we make our gadgets happy at all costs? Should we die with perfect labs?
I suppose at 80 years old, its difficult to know the right answer about most anything. Maybe there is no right or wrong answer when you’re 80. And maybe the best thing we can do is to keep on asking questions, staying awake, and refining our view of our health, of the world, of our family and friends and living the life we lived yesterday for today, hoping for tomorrow to bring some further enlightenment.
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